When we arrived at the ER, I was quickly checked over by nurses while being admitted, given an IV, and began having multiple tests done by doctors. In my stay at the hospital, I learned that I was experiencing a major manic episode and was diagnosed with having bipolar type II. This was horrifying news to me as it is the same condition that had plagued my own grandfather and mother, but I knew to at least not be resistant to help from the medical professionals this time around.
Once we got the manic episode under control, I began spiraling quickly and deeply into a very dark and debilitating depression, the worst I had experienced to date. I think part of it had to do with my complete and utter fear of the diagnosis and the terrifying experiences I had just been through because of delusions. This resulted in more doctor visits and medication changes than I could ever keep track of. Everything we tried didn’t seem to be helping at all. It was incredibly frustrating.
I was unable to feel much of anything at all except for misery for months on end. Every waking moment was filled with dread and wanting to not even be alive at all. I had many suicidal thoughts that were growing stronger as the only thing I seemed to desire at all was for this all to just end. Thankfully, the loving relationships I have in my life were what served to keep me from taking action on these awful thoughts that are really difficult to even try to explain.
I feel extremely fortunate now as suicide is truly a pandemic of its own. I know now from personal experience why this is the case because these thoughts can be all consuming and feel entirely out of your ability to control at all. If you or anyone you know is experiencing thoughts like these, please talk to your doctor and never hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. I’ve called it before a few times and it was incredibly helpful and useful to do so.
Well, this has been an incredibly revealing week on the backstory of my 2020 experiences. I do hope it serves to help folks who are suffering like I have. Next week, I will begin to share the ways I am planning to continue with progress in recovery for 2021.
Thanks for following along with me in the journey.