Pause Point

Today, I would like to conclude this short series on my mental health journey by saying thank you, again, for tracking along with me, your encouraging messages, your support, prayers, and your love. It means the world to me. Some of you have been in this with me for the long haul. Namely, my parents, my brothers, close friends of ours, and most of all my wife, Lindsay. I certainly wouldn’t be here without you and am so grateful for your love.

Of course, the journey still continues. I will post with more updates from time-to-time on this blog under this new “mental health” category which will add further to this series going forward. But for now, I want to conclude these initial background entries with a critically relevant TED talk I watched yesterday by Lori Prichard who:

“…walks us through her husband’s struggle with depression that ultimately led him to take his own life. It was a struggle in which he suffered entirely alone having hidden his depression from those he loved. Lori shares the lessons she learned and the journals she found after her husband’s death that gave her a window into how he was trying to fight off what he called ‘the bully in my brain.'”

YouTube Video Description

There are lessons in this video that are important for us all to take note of.

Lori Prichard’s TEDx Talk

If you are struggling with common signs of depression you are not alone and it isn’t too late to seek help from doctors, counselors, therapists, and other professionals whose job it is to get you to that very help you need. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Not getting help is the riskiest and worst thing you can do for yourself and for those around you. A good place to get help is to start by calling 1-800-273-8255, going to their website, or beginning a chat session there.

Take care of yourself and those around you,

đź’š -Dave

Dead Leaves

and marked recoveries…

Last week, I took us on a journey of my experience with mental health over the past year or so. It wasn’t the easiest thing for me to write about. In fact, it was quite hard at times to revisit some of my darkest moments out in public. But, honestly, I am really glad I did. The number of people who have reached out to me personally who can relate in some way or who just wanted to connect and show their support was breathtaking to me. Thank you, to each of you for doing so and for joining me along this journey. I deeply appreciate it.

As I mentioned in the post on Friday, I would like to pivot this week to talk about the healing I am experiencing as I continue toward recovery this year. For a few months now I have been on medications that do seem to be helping. I’ve also been improving in my consistency to exercise as I mentioned in a post last week about “green days.” Exercise has always played a critical role in my mental health and it is always the times when I have let it slide that has been when I have had episodes of depression. This, in turn, always makes it so much harder to get back into a consistent habit of exercise. So, I am glad to be making progress on that front.

Back in November when I was raking leaves with the family, I couldn’t help but notice the huge differences I was experiencing inside compared to one year earlier. Of course, I wasn’t fully recovered yet, but it did give me a boost in confidence just to notice the changes I was experiencing in comparison. When I was raking leaves in November of 2019, I felt like I was as dead as the leaves themselves. All I could do was to continue to rake with the last amount of strength I could muster and then I would just start crying because everything felt so incredibly heavy. In 2020, I only experienced a regular amount of dread for the chore. And then I experienced the satisfaction of having completed the job which was wonderful to feel again in that way.

Fast forward through the Christmas and New Year season which had parallel sorts of marked progress. So, I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions. I’ve always really sucked at New Year’s resolutions. I mean, really. Tomorrow, I will explain a new approach I am taking this year which I think is helping to some degree. 

Thank you for joining along with me in this journey.

Diagnosis

EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES CLIP ART N2

When we arrived at the ER, I was quickly checked over by nurses while being admitted, given an IV, and began having multiple tests done by doctors. In my stay at the hospital, I learned that I was experiencing a major manic episode and was diagnosed with having bipolar type II. This was horrifying news to me as it is the same condition that had plagued my own grandfather and mother, but I knew to at least not be resistant to help from the medical professionals this time around.

Once we got the manic episode under control, I began spiraling quickly and deeply into a very dark and debilitating depression, the worst I had experienced to date. I think part of it had to do with my complete and utter fear of the diagnosis and the terrifying experiences I had just been through because of delusions. This resulted in more doctor visits and medication changes than I could ever keep track of. Everything we tried didn’t seem to be helping at all. It was incredibly frustrating.

I was unable to feel much of anything at all except for misery for months on end. Every waking moment was filled with dread and wanting to not even be alive at all. I had many suicidal thoughts that were growing stronger as the only thing I seemed to desire at all was for this all to just end. Thankfully, the loving relationships I have in my life were what served to keep me from taking action on these awful thoughts that are really difficult to even try to explain.

I feel extremely fortunate now as suicide is truly a pandemic of its own. I know now from personal experience why this is the case because these thoughts can be all consuming and feel entirely out of your ability to control at all. If you or anyone you know is experiencing thoughts like these, please talk to your doctor and never hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. I’ve called it before a few times and it was incredibly helpful and useful to do so.

Well, this has been an incredibly revealing week on the backstory of my 2020 experiences. I do hope it serves to help folks who are suffering like I have. Next week, I will begin to share the ways I am planning to continue with progress in recovery for 2021.

Thanks for following along with me in the journey.

White SUVs

Mental health has scared me for as long as I can remember. The history of it in my family is complicated and a source of painful memories. I never liked thinking about it. I certainly didn’t like talking about it. I wouldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams that I would someday be talking about my experiences with it publically on a blog. Yet, here we are. To be honest, it is rather liberating to be doing so. Ultimately, I have found that it is worth talking about it knowing that it is helping others suffering also.

When I first needed to be hospitalized ten years ago or so for major depression, I was in really bad shape. Coming to terms with my own mental health condition with my apparent need for medications and therapy was not easy. It was something I resisted and put off for a long time in denial which only served to perpetuate the problems even further.

Fast forward to the summer of 2019. I had made major progress in managing my mental health and it had been nearly 5 years since I had an episode. I had just finished my first year in a PhD program and had taken a summer course on quantitative research methods. I was co-teaching a 9 credit summer seminar that is compressed into an intensive 6 weeks.

Toward the end of this professionally busy summer, I began experiencing sleepless nights, delusional thinking, and panic attacks. These things were all new to me. It all grew more concerning quickly.

I had become convinced that I was being followed by governmental authorities in white SUVs on the road and that I was being hunted down to be killed. I felt unsafe even walking by windows in my own home and began ducking down on hands and knees for fear of snipers taking aim at my head. I started having visions of technologically planted listening devices in the form of spiders. On one particularly terrifying evening I was hearing voices speaking directly to me through the speakers in my room.

It was at this point that I knew I needed help again. My wife asked a dear friend and neighbor to come to the house to be with our children and drove me in the middle of the night to the emergency room. I was crouched down and shaking in the passenger seat to not be seen through the car window.

What on earth was happening to me?

Thanktitude

Two green days in a row today.

Praying hands

This is a first.

Let’s keep it going, right?

Well, I do need to be honest that I did go back to bed for a half-hour or so after my “Alarmy” picture mission wake-up that I discussed yesterday. Still, usually, when I have done this in the past, I have viewed it as defeat and failure so that I don’t get back up and get to the other routine items either. But, today I remembered that I had fallen asleep much later than I usually do the night before, gave myself some slack, and was able to get back on the wagon.

It is the little victories. My friend Marcie says to celebrate them. I think she is smart.

Another word of ancient wisdom that is useful on this journey toward mental health recovery is the importance of practicing gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for. Somehow, depression has a way of really clouding my vision for seeing and recognizing the many astounding blessings I have in my life. Because of this, it takes effort and practice to remember the sunshine that is bright and that exists on the other side of the grey skies even when it feels like they will be there forever.

Today, I am grateful for my amazing community of support through all of this. This includes my family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers who have been there to lend a hand or a listening ear. This also includes you. If you are reading this and following along with this journey I am documenting here, it means a lot. For those who have commented, emailed, texted, reacted, and shared my journey with others on this new blog series; thank you. I hope it can help bring courage and solidarity to those who need it most at this time.

Tomorrow, I will begin to look back and share a bit of how I came to this point I am at today.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Green Days

For months now, I have been trying to establish a new morning routine.

Kermit the Frog
Kermit The Frog Graphics free image from Pixy.org

Today is a green day

Allow me to explain…

For months now, I have been trying to establish a new morning routine. I’ve always struggled with creating new routines and especially ones in the morning. I like to sleep. A lot.

Some people who struggle with depression and anxiety experience nights of insomnia. Others, like me, have a difficult time getting out of bed to face the day and just want to sleep all the time. As I mentioned yesterday, this has been my challenge now for over a year.

This new morning routine has been planned and designed to combat my obsession with sleep as an unhealthy coping mechanism to my mental health. The challenge has been in execution.

So, I resolved for 2021 that I would get more serious about it and begin tracking daily which of the morning routine items I had accomplished for that day. If I get all of the items checked off, I highlight the entire row in a tracking spreadsheet bright green. It is very satisfying.

And yet, it is January 18th and I have only 4 green days. Today was one of them. Green days are objectively better than non-green days. There is something about waking up early and exercising right away that sets a whole tone on the day ahead in ways that are unmatched by anything else. Still, getting up to my alarm at 6am on these cold January mornings is a bear.

A few days ago I bought an app on my iPhone called “Alarmy” which gives you certain missions to accomplish in order to keep the alarm from continuing to ring. There are things like math problems to do, quotes to type out, memory games to play, numbers of steps to take, shaking the phone hard for a certain amount of time, and others.

This morning, I tried a new one. It is a picture taking mission. So, to set it up I took a picture of the water spicket on my fridge so that when the alarm goes off, I have to walk to my kitchen in a certain amount of time and take that same picture or my alarm will continue to ring. I think it helped get me moving right away and put me right where I needed to be to begin the day with my first routine item which is to drink a large glass of water right when I wake up. Something about it put me right in motion to continue on with the rest of my routines for the morning. Hopefully, it will again tomorrow and the day after… and the day after that…

It may not be easy being green, but green days are the best days.

My soundtrack for the occasion is this YouTube video of Green Day’s American Idiot Album as instrumental only which makes it easier for me to work to.

My Mental Health Journey

Some of you may know me and the journey I have been on in the past year or so. Others of you don’t. I wanted to begin a new blog series today as a way to share more openly about what I have been experiencing in an effort to connect with people who may be up against similar challenges.

There is no easy way for me to begin. In the latter part of 2019 and all of 2020, I have been on an uphill battle with largely debilitating depression. I have made a lot of progress, but I am not out of the woods yet.

This is not my first go-around with mental health. I’ve spoken publicly before about my history with the disease. But this latest encounter has been by far the most excruciating. I will go into more detail in later posts about the events that led up to this episode, but my hope is to make each of the posts in this series relatively short with a focus on tracking my current progress I am making day to day and week to week.

The one thing I have learned over time is that I definitely can’t recover well if I attempt to do it on my own.

Thank you for following along with me.